Talking to your Teen about School Shooting Threats

Recently, threats of gun violence at multiple high schools across the country flooded social media. Students, teachers, and parents alike felt scared and unsafe in a place where they should feel most secure. School districts reacted differently; some cancelled school, others increased police presence, and some dismissed the threats as unfounded. While the threats turned out to be hoaxes, the fear was still real. For many, the feeling of safety and stability isn’t coming back right away.

Research shows that safety is paramount for learning and growth. When we do not feel safe, our executive functions, like our ability to think, plan, organize and self-regulate, are compromised. Trauma makes us cope in a variety of ways, all of which are normal reactions to an abnormal circumstance such as dissociating/detaching, using humor, acting out and/or anxiety.

That Monday, no one felt safe. While some students may have coped differently, these instances leave a mark. Over time, these marks make a dent, and this dent can become a chasm. Stress generated by adverse life conditions has cumulative toxic effects in the mind and bodies of affected individuals. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has said “the body keeps the score.” Regardless of how they outwardly showed, or did not show, the impact the threats had, it is important to invite them to talk about their experience. Below are some strategies for how to talk to teenagers.

• Ask open ended questions and find out what they know and how they feel. Such as “what did you hear?” “How do you feel about this issue?”
• State what you know. Discuss the facts.
• Empathize and validate. Try something like “It must be so awful/scary to hear these messages about school shootings. I imagine it makes school feel unsafe at times.”
• Help them feel secure. Explain what is being done about the incident.
• Read their cues and stop the conversation if it appears overwhelming to them.
• Model sharing by talking about your feelings of the incident. Share only enough to get your feelings and point across. “I felt scared when I heard the news.”
• Limit media use and only watch the news together.

In moments of fear, it can be easy to feel helpless. Openly discussing perceived threats and our emotional reactions to them, allows us to feel more supported and connected. As the school districts continue to promote safety in our schools, dialogue and communication will help all of us cope with our fears.