How to Talk to Your Children about Traumatic Events

February 2018

We at The Melissa Institute extend our heartfelt condolences to everyone affected by the tragedy at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL. When these terrible things happen, we're left feeling scared and helpless, and ask, "What can I do?" And if we as adults are feeling this way, it's important to imagine how this news may impact our most vulnerable - our children.

As a parent, you may be struggling with how to talk with your children about a shooting rampage. It is important to remember that children look to their parents to make them feel safe. This is true no matter what ages your children are, be they toddlers, adolescents or even young adults. Though we may prefer to avoid this difficult and challenging topic, speaking to children about traumatic events in an age-appropriate manner helps provide them with a sense of safety and comfort. The American Psychological Association offers these guidelines for talking to children about difficult events:

• Think about and rehearse what you want to say.
• Take a quiet moment. Find a quiet time when you can be completely present for an extended period to talk about and answer questions. This may be before dinner, at bedtime, or any other moment when you can focus on the conversation.
• Find out what they know. It's appropriate to ask children, "What have you heard about this?" and listen to their response without judgment or interruption.
• Share your feelings. Be a role model for your children by talking openly about your own feelings. It's OK to show them when you're upset, because you can also show them how you can regulate your emotions and cope. This doesn't mean you rely on your children for emotional support. Rather, you are modeling emotional expression and self-regulation.
• Watch for signs of stress, fear or anxiety. After a traumatic event, children (and adults) may experience a wide range of emotions, including fearfulness, shock, anger, grief and anxiety. Your children's behaviors may change because of their response to the event. They may experience trouble sleeping, difficulty with concentrating on school work or changes in appetite. This is a normal response and should begin to disappear in a few months. Encourage your children to put their feelings into words by talking about them or journaling. Some children may find it helpful to express their feelings through art or play.
• Tell the truth. Provide developmentally appropriate facts. This doesn't mean you need to provide all the details of the event. Allow your kids to ask questions and be OK with not having all the answers. Children often ask, "Why do people do bad things?" and there's nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know."
• Reassure safety and love. Reassure your children that you will do everything to keep them safe and that you are open for further discussion. This will help them feel safe and secure.
• Take a break from the media. Limit your use of social media and media coverage. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by the information, step away.
• Engage in self-care activities. Find an activity that works for you, whether it is exercise, taking a bath, drawing or talking to a friend or loved one.
• Get professional help, if needed. A licensed mental health provider can assist you or your children. To find a mental health professional near you, visit Psychology Today or call 2-1-1 for community resources.

Article adapted from How to talk to children about difficult news and In the aftermath of a shooting